Depression is an ongoing battle. Some days I forget that I even have depression. I have fun, skip, play games, watch movies, and just enjoy everything. Then the depression comes back. Sometimes it is small, just this feeling you cannot shake. Sleepiness and funny things are not funny anymore. Sometimes it just builds. Other times it takes one instance to make me spiral.
I used to love this time of year. I love the colors and the smells and even the slight chill in the air. I cannot even build up any excitement about 'Dracula" playing at the local theatre or the end of season thrill as the company closes the season. I don't want to dress up or talk to friends. I don't want to go trick-or-treating with my cousins which is something I love to do every year. I am cold and tired and
I just want the semester to be over. I don't want to spend the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) with my family. I am no longer enjoying the Christmas music I selected for the choir to sing. All I really want to do is sleep and eat. I am not even hungry but I know there is some frozen yogurt in the freezer.
I love history and at the moment I am taking an Art History class. I love it. The professor is engaging and makes something usually boring interesting. As a part of the class we (the students) have been asked to do four self portraits in various media. For the conceptual piece, I want to do a performance art piece that expresses what depression this deep feels like to me. I will wear my favorite dress and do my hair up really elegantly and nice. I will have two masks (the ones used to depict theatre one smiling and one frowning.) The frowning one will be on my face and I will invite my classmates to come up to me. When one of them approaches, I will tie the smiling one over the frowning one.
The idea is that it might fit, but sometimes it will slip and show the depression. The happiness is like a plaster, trying to hold everything together, but it does not always work. One of the times, the happy mask will fall off all on its own and I will fall to the floor. That will be the end of the piece.
I don't know why, after so long, that I am coming back to this blog, but maybe it can act as a sort of diary to help me and help any readers.
I hope you all have a happy Halloween and a glorious Fall.
Sarah K
